braver soon
i spent today feeling unwell. there's really no other way to describe it. i woke up this morning feeling awfully ill in the early hours, starving half to death and battling being awake and knee deep in a repetitive, inescapable nightmare. i dont even remember what it was about; and i never really do, but i am always running.
i had class from 10-12 and i tried to pay attention as much as i could. it was hard and i often felt like i was about to puke or pass out from how faint i felt. i figured that maybe if i got some food in me, i would feel better. i tried to force down a bag of goldfish and didnt finish it until class was almost over. after that, i went back into my room and guessed that all three of my prescription numbers came after each other (and they did) before fitfully trying to get some more rest.
finger stayed with me briefly, each other being our only company, and i think petting her let me calm down enough to drift into an uncomfortable, rolling sleep. shes sitting beside me as i type this, having taken her spot on the couch that she likes to watch our rooms from at night. the dishwasher is loud behind me, and i hear the pulse of electricity. she was silly today, sitting close to the tv and smacking at what moved on the screen.
briefly looked into restarting my journey to learning languages, but felt too shitty to really start organizing anything. maybe ill do that this weekend, or between coursework breaks. my hope is that ill succeed in my class and have it be uncomplicated— especially since i wont have to pay anything if i fail except the months i wasted. that in itself is threatening enough to me. i already feel so much pressure, like every day im not working and making money im being encroached on, slowly, and unwanted. maybe that's not true. i dont know.
the work ill be doing; i cant imagine it. i have no idea, truly, until we get into the meat of the thing (which i consider ironic because "what data analysis is" has been the only topic so far). i hope it isn't too draining on me. i want to hope it wont be.
i spent some quality time with spencer today too, after he came home from doing some overtime and picking up my meds for me. i like chatting with him, when i can give him my full attention and be my real self. i love him a lot. i want to show him more; but i think im afraid. i don't know of what.
i hope to be braver soon.