dogwood blooms
over the years birthdays ain't so special no more. i think at 22 i've found that plateau. eleven years ago i thought i might die soon; and sometimes i still think that. there are moments when this world gives me a sign that it intends to reclaim me, and that strikes fear into my heart like nothing else. spring is here but other climates are changing. i don't know if i'm hardy for it. everything is fresh and fragrant but i fall behind.
with every passing day there is some kind of dread festering in me, like i'm coming closer to the edge where i'll be forced to jump. this terrible anticipation wears at me endlessly; and ignoring it does not stop its movement. trying to plan out my life for the next few years is proving uncertain and difficult. i'm not sure if i'm ready, but i don't want to keep drifting through my life.
places like seattle and chicago offer what i want -- community, safety -- but they're so urban and price me out more often than not... seattle's minimum wage is apparently $20 even for servers, and chicago's is $16 (which is what i make now living in a state where the minimum is $10) so it's a bit easier on the wallet within city limits, but from here to there would wring my pockets drier than they already always are. i don't want to go into debt; and it's hardly like i have the credit for it anyways, apparently, which is beyond me to fix with what little i have at any given time. i'm always just backed into a corner, looking for a way out.
there's a few classes down at the career center i've had my eye on, but they range from hundred-dollar worth-nothing classes to $2,000 courses that are cheaper than anything you can get your foot in the door for but still far more than i'll ever save, no matter how many spreadsheets i make and bank statements i import. just terribly dampening. i'm already nearing my point-out at work and have to be extremely careful or i'll have an entirely worse situation on my hands. i've considered a second job, but that one was already so fucking hard to get for no reason at all.
after my birthday went by, my bunny passed away. it's been really difficult for me and hard to process the guilt i feel about it. a rabbit is the only animal besides a human that can die of a broken heart, i think. sometimes i feel like i broke her heart, even though i know that isn't what happened. it's hard not to know whether she had internal bleeding from a roaming accident, or if she ate something, or if she had a fear-related heart attack that morning. when i think of her it's so difficult not to be thrust back into the moment i found her there, still and lifeless; and how i had passed her a few times before in the hour thinking she had been asleep; and how my last moment with her was to comfort her against the storm while she hid. i couldn't see her clearly then, having just woken up and being without contacts. she was still soft and breathing. she left me that day hard and lifeless.
i feel that i might be wintering in even as the world wakes up-- my excitement gone with the cherry blossoms after the first week of spring. there is a nothing that needs filling, but i can't grasp enough to even begin. there's a hole at the bottom of my heart but i'm too poor to patch it. isn't that funny? it's funny to someone.
maybe there's something wrong with me. maybe i still need to escape somewhere. maybe i'm the death-dream, roaming beaches. maybe i need the earth to reclaim me.
then i'll finally be right.