spring comes
i helped a woman off the roadside recently, literally, one that said she had been left behind in a dreadfully betraying incident. i trust the world, so she posed no danger to me, and i bid her to follow me home where i bring all my strays worth saving. i offered her water and a smoke, and my heart settled when she fell into sleep on my couch. our paths only crossed briefly then, in quiet, and soon she was on her way before the sun met the horizon. ”there’s my stray picked up for at least six months,” i said. if another found me tomorrow i would still carry it.
today i'm listening to a posthumous memoir that i find greatly contemporary, a bit unbelievable, and yet still with notes of things that strike true to me. it's kind of a miss for me to think that someone who wanted to get away from the world so badly would then spend so much time in it, when they could be anywhere, anytime. maybe that is the strength of love; an anchor to keep one's heart on earth. i kinda consider anything with such great detail to be victim of the biases of the author. i can only collect so many stories to start piecing together what it might look like on the other side of that great wall of light.
my mama's finally visiting cuz she done enough good for herself so consistently that she might make it to me; and told me she already booked the place her and my sister staying and their pricey tickets. at least they'll finally be in front of me, and not my dead memories walking for miles never to reach me. i thought of what i might feel or do when i see my ma again, and i felt so scared then when my chest curled up into something screaming and anguished and relieved. i will pray for connection. until then they stroll beaches like in a death-dream.
money tight like always but i'm trying to learn everything i can do. i hope i can push myself this year in ways that don't feel forceful or sluggish. i want to take a sure step in a direction i'm confident in; or at least succeed after an unsure step. things are ever-changing but don't always elevate beyond unless you encourage them. something will always do what nothing won't.
i will find courage.