two bells
today i'm doing well. i always think of something that i want to write about for a moment, get up to write it, and then completely forget why i'm here by the time i get here. we've been watching gintama lately; maybe that's why my head is so horribly clouded with thoughts.
the fear of being known versus the undying desire to be understood. this is what hangs in the balance, and this is what suffocates me with shame. i don't know why it's so hard to have people so close to my heart they can touch it, but i feel like accessing even a sliver of what goes on in my mind is enough to make me feel fully exposed. it's an awful kind of humiliation, to be known, and yet i will still long for the heavy unspoken conversation we are having - "so that's what it was like? so this is what makes your heart cry? so this is why you are still here? what other dark and weighty ways have you kept yourself from nirvana, like a bath of warm tar?"
if you knew, could you feel me? if you knew could you let me speak of times that never touched this earth with their hands like i am a storyteller of an old myth, having known and been and been known on that edge of reality as i was? could you feel me? can you feel the squeeze in your heart in the same way i am gripped by watching the consequences of my own actions, my fate unchanging though it was i who wrote it. could you feel me?
i cannot paint you over for it would be an insult to what you are. do you feel me? enough to let me hold your pictures side by side like we laugh of the ways we were younger. even this is reaching on the edge of the way i will let myself be known; layman's way of laying himself bare, poor wire management, some kind of quilt to rearrange. i cannot look at you and see you. why identify with the past, if that's what it is, if not some prophecy we will forget next time regardless. this is the cruel twist of fate - not how we move but how we are. around and around we go; and i chase you; like the sun chases the moon, wanting to sweeten the sound.