you are today
i cant find the moment, so i just need to write. i'll just write. they dont need me at work but i need to be here. do i have resentment for not being needed? i think everyone does. i forgive and forgive and forgive myself for the ways that i feel and i forgive again when i find myself upset at my feelings. this forgiveness cannot change what happens, only that i still adore myself afterward. this unconditional grace for myself is a practice i must learn, must continue.
i have to seek in myself the understanding that i search for in all others. in knowing them i know me, but when the ego is left alone— that is who i'm investigating. is there an alone? i havent been alone in my mind for a really long time. i may not know the activities of my neighbors at all times but we have learned to live in passing of one another, ships moored in the day perhaps, sometimes chatting idly at the bay.
i observe my thoughts constantly. a habit i was quick to get into after reading the power of now. both a blessing and a curse. sometimes i forget that i'm not being observed, because my own glaring presence on my thoughts is so strong. i wont be in trouble for thinking that, i have to remind myself over and over. i can discard this after thinking it; and thinking it doesn't make it true.
of course now that i'm writing, there isn't enough time. something pressing now. no one is waiting for me, or searching for me. i think everyone has a resentment towards not being needed. i have more people to meet.
i met someone recently who i want to understand. maybe to prove to myself that i can not only be but do good. that people are worth teaching and are capable of change. i want to put myself to the test, in a way. i think he is kind and deserving. often the more you learn about people the more disgusted you find yourself with them (and i honestly fear this moment) but so far he seems all right. a poor thing, but not in a pitiful way, just someone who has survived great hardship and has no idea where to find himself or anyone else that might confirm him to be real.
i was like that too.
ive ignored the pressing dread-feeling and held my ground in the relaxation i feel, for there's truly no rush, but soon i'll go. just a little while more, looking at my thoughts go by.
i dont know what the future holds and it makes me afraid. i dont like change in the way it feels like the manicured lawn of my heart is being freshly tilled with stinging claws. such a heady dirt-smell but there's no danger in it, only the sadness that something you had worked on had been taken away. i will learn to quickly move on from this sensation, and to start planting new seeds.
i can be anything, i hope, and if not, then i can be myself anywhere.